Smoothing my sexual consumption curve... or how I learned to love the Weekend Sex Party...

For most of my NYC life, I have been focused on Career/Education, Sex with no strings attached, Staying fit/enjoying the social and cultural benefits of the city [in that order].... It has been a great ride but there has always been one riddle I tried to solve; one problem I struggled to crack - even as I went from an NYC newbie to someone who calls this crazy town home....

As a younger NYC bachelor, my biggest headache - especially as what some might term a commitmentphobe - was dealing with flings, getting sex on a regular basis and dealing with that point in plain vanilla dating when the woman you've been seeing finally realizes that yes - you are one of those guys who is looking for something "fun" and non-serious and that no; the sex or the promise of regular sex wouldn't change your mind.

What this would inevitably result in was; in terms of my sexual consumption; a series of flings over the course of the year - usually lasting 2 - 4 months on average, from the first date, through regular sex and then through the "breakup" if you will.

Sometimes the women - all great girls all of them, realized that I wouldn't want anything more and initiated the disengagement, other times, I had to pull the trigger myself. Away from the flings, the year would be punctuated by 2 - 3 swinging adventures (with couples and singles) and one or two one night stands.

Some years - this combo was enough for a decent amount of sex, in others it was woefully lacking. In addition, given my complete and utter aversion to the pathetic big city male habit of acquiring a girlfriend mainly for the sex - this meant that in some years I dealt with some truly epic droughts (one in my first year in the city was as long as 6, may be 8 months). That was a tough year on a variety of fronts.

I know - especially in my occupation, that a lack of stress relief leaves the 646hedonist stressed and angry on almost regular basis. Combining this with my frustration at the fact that Straight Men are the only ones for whom such droughts are acceptable... Women/Gay and Bi people don't work for sex in the same ways that Straight men are and of course you can see why I have decided to never let my life be decided by plain vanilla considerations.

However, in the past year and a half I have taken advantage of; away from dating and swinging one on ones, one of the greatest swinger traditions of all: the weekend party.

Swingers love to party - in groups, one on ones, same room swap, soft play etc. What the party does is that it takes the onus away from the individual partier and puts it in the hand of a gracious host; who provides a venue, makes introductions and basically allows for the X rated equivalent of a mixer... where sex is on hand and everyone can leave satisfied. There are all kinds of parties - gangbang parties, fetish parties, IR parties.... all girl parties...

Usually held on a weekend night, and advertised on a variety of swinger sites and groups... they are the perfect antidote to a tough week - and a way for people like myself to connect with old friends, meet new people and engage in some good old, consensual, Sport fucking.

I have fucked 10 women at a party in a single night, had threesomes at parties and have enjoyed myself at dedicated party houses, have watched women get double penetrated by men they met 5 minutes earlier while their husbands watched, taken XXX rated photos, cavorted in hotel suites and have played in on premise clubs.

But even more compelling than the craziness I just described in the paragraph above is the promise of variety - which is what keeps party goers coming back... more than any bar, the well run, well regarded sex party is smorgasbord of safe, consensual, no holds barred fun... a way for like minded people to explore in a discreet, safe and orgasmic place.. allowing them to leave their lives behind and then to emerge from the weekend, refreshed, glowing and ready to tackle the week and their lives.

And of course, when plain vanilla friends and coworkers ask:

"How was your weekend ?"

The smiling reply comes back: "it was good, I went to a party and caught up with some friends, it was a lot of fun".

Hugh Hefner - A true (urban) hedonist hero!

One of my favorite Hef pics - with his longtime girlfriend Barbi Benton in the 70s, note the Playboy Jet in the Background.

Hugh Hefner is profiled in the New York Times this weekend.


Hef as he is called is one of my personal heroes - for a variety of reasons; a true hedonist, he has lived his life to the ripe age of 83 by his own measures - with beautiful women, a great business (that admittedly is in decline) and achieving his own place in business and pop history.

While a lot of people focus on the sex/debauchery, they seem to forget one simple fact - one that I think everyone should be aware of - if you are not successful - you do not control your life. Hef created a business driven by his creative hedonistic vision, and in turn that vision and hard work allowed him to create a sexual garden of eden.

As a fellow hedonist, I am in awe of both his success and his courage in the light of what was - in the 1950s - a stifling sexual and cultural and lest we forget - racial environment.

The best part - is that hef seems to be in a more evolved place sexually when it comes to dealing with women than most men alive - including, if we are being honest, this writer.

He did not see the engagement between the sexes as a zero-sum game but rather as a case of creating an enabling environment. As a man who wants to enjoy sex with a variety of beautiful women, I think there is a lot to learn from hef.

And as a hedonist; who enjoys the world, good food, good drink, great sex and the breadth and width of human possibility - I truly believe one could do a lot worse than emulating Hugh Hefner as a role model.



Pictures courtesy of the New York Times.